The Man from Aisle 6…

Today is rent day. Well, technically, it’s almost a week after “Rent Day,” but today is The Day of Funds Renewal at the Bank ™. So, Siobhan and I went to the grocery store, after dropping off the husband, to get our fistful of $500 money orders with which to pay our landlady. Such a process requires standing in a line at the grocery store behind people who have each decided to purchase a large percentage of the inventory.

Luckily, when we got to the only line open, a nice Dutch-sounding woman about halfway into the line looked at the older man in front of her (who had no groceries, just a fist of cash; money order purchaser, obviously) and then at me and Siobhan and said “Are you two together? You could go in front of me…” Obviously, I thanked her profusely and said “No, we’re not together, ma’am, but thank you!”

His response was hilarious, and kicked off a moment of comedy gold.

Him: Well, fine. Be that way. I can’t believe you’d disown me in public like that.
Me: (Blink, blink.) You know… it was one night in Cabo, and I was drunk, and there were monkeys…
Him: Sure. You always blame it on the damned monkeys. I swear, anyone would think you never loved me.
Me: People are psychic like that.
Him: Gasps before mock-pleading with the cashier, who at this point is in stitches. See what I get for the trouble? It’s like talking to a stranger.
Siobhan: Waving to him. Bye-bye! Go nap!
German woman: One night in Cabo, eh?
Him: Yes, but she doesn’t have my fabulously exaggerated forehead. She’s obviously from this one’s other night in Cabo.
Me: Me? You ass…
Him: Well, to be fair, she could also be from my other night of passion, in Temecula.
Me: …You slut!

At this point, half the line is either cracked up or wondering what the hell we’re on. The cashier has nearly pissed herself laughing, and the guy wishes us luck before walking out to his car. I help the Dutch lady (who is still cracking up) empty her cart onto the conveyor belt because she’s got a bum arm, then notice that one of her soup cans has a huge dent in it. Siobhan and I rush back to the soup aisle to get her a replacement can and a mother and daughter behind the older lady have moved up to try to take our place.

The older woman and the cashier (who was apparently shocked that I would get replacement groceries for a stranger when I’m carrying a two-year-old) made her wait while we got back to where we had been in line. The older Dutch lady left and wished me a happy Mother’s Day and told me that I was generating good karma or something like that.

Meanwhile, the cashier, who has spoken with me on previous occasions about my social anxiety, told me I was obviously improving and that, for the record, I should do stand up.

I told her I have a blog, and you people are happy recipients of my insanity.

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  1. AngelGypsy
    May 6, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    I heart you. That is all.

    • May 6, 2011 at 1:16 pm

      I heart you back. 🙂

      (But not in Cabo. Apparently that’s where the one-night, monkey-related stands occur, and I want to be able to respect you in the morning…)

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