Home > Child, Epic Facepalm, School, Social Awareness, Television > I can totally see my daughter conquering nations with that talent…

I can totally see my daughter conquering nations with that talent…

Earlier tonight, I was making dinner in the kitchen — I know, suspend your disbelief and hold off on calling the fire department — and left Nick Jr. on television for Siobhan to watch. My husband and I have been fans of Sprout (previously PBS Kids) for the last year or so, and only recently changed to Nick Jr. (previously Noggin) because of their lack of commercials and more structured preschool-level programming. Siobhan’s current favorites from that channel include Olivia, Dora, Diego, Kai Lan, and Yo Gabba Gabba!

Yo Gabba Gabba! is both an awesomely retro children's show and a visually-stimulating timesink for potheads.

Now, I often worry about letting my daughter watch so much television, then I weigh my concerns against the feedback I get from other adults in official child-monitoring capacities: “Your daughter is so smart!” “Wow, she’s really articulate for a 25-month-old!” “She already knows her colors and shapes? Bravo, Mom!” So I basically tell myself that as long as it’s Nick Jr. she’s at least getting somewhat of an education…

Going back to me making this dubious dinner in another room from my child, I hear Yo Gabba Gabba! in the background, calling out “Cool Tricks! Cool Tricks!” (which is the show’s segment that teaches children about new musical instruments or styles of acrobatics and/or dance) so I figure it’s probably the rapping violinist twins or something. Instead, I’m treated to the dulcet tones of some fucker hand-farting “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”


Twenty years ago, my brother got smacked upside the back of his head for hand-farting in public, and we got annoyed looks from adults for making that rude noise. Now it’s a “cool trick” on a preschool-type channel?

Thanks, Yo Gabba Gabba! Next time, why don’t you teach my daughter how to push the tip of her nose up whilst pulling down her lower eyelids, so she can look like an old-style pig mask? Better yet, if you could teach her how to burp the Star Spangled fucking Banner, she’ll have a marketable job skill. They’re sure to need new performers of questionable talent to showcase at sporting events, and I want my daughter to aim for sheer mediocrity.

For this, I give you the Picard Gesture of Incredulity:

Picard finds your lack of common sense disturbing...

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