Hey, your foot doesn’t belong in there!

Hey, look at me, using another title from my List of Insanity

Cautionary Note: This post is best appreciated if you keep in mind the three things (in no particular order) that we discovered over the course of the weekend:

  • Kalynn is a cheap alcoholic.
  • Kalynn apparently channels Jewish people.
  • Kalynn’s vagina is not a timeshare.

So, this weekend was pretty crazy. I fell behind in my schoolwork, again, which is primarily due to burnout factor. I can’t wait to get my associate’s degree finished already. Another thing that happened this weekend was a friend of mine and my husband’s, who moved to back California from the same town in New Mexico after we did, brought a guy-friend with her to stay on our living room floor. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no; I haven’t started a hostel-experience bed-and-breakfast in my apartment. (Although, if finances remain this bleak for much longer… let me get back to you.) My friend, Kalynn, had a brother getting married near where we lived, so she took us up on our standing “open-door-invitation” policy.

Siobhan, of course, thought this was the best. thing. ever.  Even though she didn’t get to see them until Day 3.

After the wedding on Saturday, Kalynn and friend came back to our place, armed with magnums of cheap champagne.  (They convinced me to take sips, and I can state — for the record — that I am a rum girl, not a wino.  Yuck.)  The magnums were gone long before anyone went to bed, and Husband and I weren’t drinking them.

My two-year-old spent all of Sunday morning bouncing up and down off of Kalynn’s elevated air mattress, smacking her guy friend around and performing flying nutchecks with wild abandon.  (On the plus side, at least no impregnation will occur in the near future…)  And all of the adults were laughing so hard our abdomens hurt.

I have video that I am not posting because, well, I fail at finding a light source for my camerawomanship (Yes. That’s a word now. Deal with it.) and so the first three or four minutes of hilarity are ensconced in eye-straining darkness and shaky movements.  Then, half the time that the shot is actually lit, I have it pointed at someone’s unmoving foot or ass because, as we all know, Kella + back medication = fundamentally IQ-deficient².


One of the problems with the “bouncy castlebeing in the living room was that it was up against our cheap little computer carts. (My husband and I don’t have the money for a couch yet, so our living room is two computer carts pushed up against the back of one another, my daughter’s college dorm-style chair against those, and an armoire holding all of our television/video game entertainment.)  To keep Siobhan from hitting her head on the corners of these carts, I would gently nudge her back into play.  Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account just how bouncy Kalynn/her air mattress are…

Serves Kalynn right for lounging there under the blanket with her legs apart.

Order of events:

  1. Siobhan bounces on corner of air mattress and angles her head toward a corner.
  2. Mommy sees and “deflects”, pushing child back onto mattress… somewhat slightly harder than intended.
  3. Child winds up face-first between Kalynn’s open legs.  On top of blanket, thankfully.
  4. Amid the jokes about Siobhan “trying to go home”, etc., the husband and Kalynn somehow come to the conclusion that, despite public opinion, Kalynn’s vagina is not (in fact) a timeshare property.

When deflating the air mattress, Kalynn was bemoaning how she couldn’t get it completely flat and repackaged as if new.  With a feeling of dread, I asked her to elaborate.  I was told that she, and her mother, had both purchased these large, self-inflating air mattresses of awesome from a Big Box Mart nearby.  They’d even had them overnight drop-shipped to their house for an extra 20 bucks or so.


Because they planned to return them today and Big Box Mart apparently refunds the entire purchase price, including expensive shipping.

Oh. It gets better: She also told me that, when something they just bought breaks, they buy an identical item and return the broken item to the store in the new item’s box for a full refund.

… I love my cheap-ass friends.  After all, without them, my blog would be so much less interesting!

Kalynn, for your hard work and effort in the field of what-the-fuckery, I would like to give you this badge:

For pioneering the field so the rest of us don't have to...

  1. May 25, 2011 at 5:48 am

    Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever known anybody THAT cheap. Or let’s call it daring. I respect that.

    I hate those childless people who have no idea that you have to GET UP IN THE MORNING when you have them and that is why you can’t get your drink on any old time.

    And what is it about children? Is the crotch a magnet for them?

    • May 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm

      Oh, it’s not like she thought I was abstaining from drinking, and it’s not like I was abstaining from inebriation, it’s just that I do not like wine. At all. I get heartburn.

      You heard about that last Southern California wildfire? Sorry about that. I was pressured into drinking a celebratory glass of Cabernet…

      And yes. Crotches are magnets for children. Once they realize that we won’t let them explore ours, whether for legal reasons or ones stemming from personal aversion (or, hopefully, both), they content themselves with exploring their own for the rest of the foreseeable future. Some of them become experts…

      …from whence comes your porn.

  2. Amy
    May 27, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Oh Kella! I just love how you put things on paper! LOL….

    • May 27, 2011 at 9:26 pm

      Why thank you, love.

      … You are aware this isn’t paper, right? Or is that a Canuckian colloquialism? ❤

  1. May 23, 2011 at 12:22 pm

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