Home > Stunt Blogger > Stunt-Blogger: Please Don’t Feed the Ninjas

Stunt-Blogger: Please Don’t Feed the Ninjas

In the interests of me not leaving my blog languishing in the pit of inactivity (that’s totally gonna be a band name someday… Pit of Inactivity), I have called in a stunt blogger.  I was kinda-joking on Twitter earlier when I mentioned needing one so that I could do my homework and finish my knitting and snort cocaine help my daughter clean her room, but I actually got someone wanting to be my first guest blogger! Woot!

On the following by @Inkstainedpaws, I’m not sure if it’s a treatise on the treatment of movie theater employees as they parade about dressed as ninjas (which rather defeats the purpose of ninjas, one would think), or if it’s a subtle plea for movie theater owners to put anti-psychotics in the popcorn butter… Enjoy.


Edit: Inkstainedpaws reminded me that the title came from the list of insanity. Since this post is, well, insane, it’s apropos as well.

Hi. My name is Inkstainedpaws; and as a self proclaimed Ninja, I’d like to step out of the shadows. If it’s not too much trouble. Just for a moment.  But then, even if it is too much trouble… I’ve already done it. Go me. Although, in hindsight, there probably should’ve been a point to this? Maybe?
Right. We were discussing Ninjas. Or rather, I was discussing Ninjas- and you lot are probably wondering where I came from. Congratulations. You’ve been ninja-ed. So, in the interest of promoting great jobs for teens, Or pimping out things for you to waste time and money on, allowing KellaKnits to do her homework… We’re talking about Ninjas. And where to find them.
A movie theater. Specifically, I work in one. (Location whereabouts is classified information, yo) And the cool thing about working in a movie theater is they practically teach you to be a ninja. (Not that I wasn’t ninja before starting there…)
Think about it:
As an usher? You get paid to lurk in the shadows, and pop up to open doors for people. You clean the theaters; so you’re lurking around, and disappearing. Collecting valuables and returning them to their rightful owners. Or to the manager on duty. AND when the concession stand is getting slammed? Ushers are the ones that just Appear.
The Concession stand is pretty ninja too. Trust me, I’m a concessionist. There are countless times when you’re getting ice or seed; refilling the butter pump… You’re there. Doing it. And because my theater is slower than some of the others- we have way more opportunities to be Ninja. I’m constantly filling in- grabbing drinks, candy and popcorn where I’m needed. Restocking something. Swooping in to get that one last thing needed to complete your order. Tray, box, cup… maybe fix that coupon so it’ll work? Or rearrange the computer to give you some combos?
The projectionist that starts your movies, upstairs? Well trained in the art of ninja. Sneaking around upstairs, in the dark. Fixing the pictures, and the sound. The projectionists at my theater even catch underage kids sneaking in.
Take a look around next time you’re in a theater. (Which should be soon since XMEN is out?) Maybe compliment an employee on their ninja-ness. We’ve got a sense of humor- and we’ll appreciate it. Or if you’d have your money out and know what you want before you get to the counter… that works too. Just saying.
Although, true ninjas? Would be moms. Like KellaKnits, and The Bloggess. It’s hard enough for me to keep up with myself- I couldn’t imagine being responsible for a little kid. Not when they depend on you for everything. And I know so many people that have undertaken this particular feat. It’s astounding. Especially when the closest I’ve come to actually really interacting with children is through a novel. Living, breathing children? I can hold for about five minutes- but all too soon, they decide they don’t care for me or worse, have decided that something is wrong with me- and back they go. It’s unnerving to be judged by a child. So bitterly honest, expressive people. Terrifying to think you haven’t met their expectations…
I commend you both. You humble ninjas everywhere with your awesomeness. I’d toast ya with a tall glass of Milk; but I’m rather lactose intolerant. Can we make it Peppermint Schnapps instead? It’s very liquid candy-cane tasting.
Well done ladies. You make it look so easy…
Categories: Stunt Blogger
  1. June 4, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Notes: Kella doesn’t snort cocaine, but she does bleed frosting.
    I’d kill for a theater that didn’t suck major amounts of ass.
    Why do I not have any shuriken? O right, the small one, she learns too quickly.

    *stealths back out, LIKE A NINJA*

    • June 4, 2011 at 7:56 pm

      Sorry, guys. I forgot to sedate my husband this evening…

    • June 4, 2011 at 8:14 pm

      my theater doesn’t suck ass- and we’re pretty freaking bribe-able. Unless corporate is around.. And we get to wear all black, LIKE A NINJA. Really, they’re not fooling anyone. Thank you Kella! I’ve never guest blogged. I feel so warm and fuzzy! 😀

  2. June 6, 2011 at 11:19 am

    It always amazes my kids that I can catch them at almost anything they are doing bad including being able to see through walls and having eyes in the back of my head.

    See they can’t get away with anything and I think my particular ninja skill was brought on by motherhood. I used to babysit when I was a teen and no way could I be a ninja then. The kids always had to be a step ahead.

    Anyway your theater sounds kick ass. It’s been a year since I was in the theater and it wasn’t kick ass. The only kick ass things that happened at the theater while we (my family and I) were there was someone’s cell phone going off with “Why so Serious?” as the ring tone which the timing was freakin awesome. We were watching Deathly Hallows pt.1 and it was where they were standing on the rock outcrop just Harry and Hermione. The other time was back when Order of the Phoenix was in theaters, when Fudge says “Oh He’s back” and the person we were with blurted “No Shit”. I thought the other parents there were gonna die laughing when we started leaving during the credits.

  1. February 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

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