Home > Epic Facepalm, Random Weirdness, Spousal Whatthefuckery > Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt: Marriage, Year 4

Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt: Marriage, Year 4

As with the last couple of mornings, after having gone to bed at the relatively early time of midnight, I rocketed out of bed at 8 o’clock and jumped into the shower today. Usually it takes a team of highly-trained behavioral- and speech-therapists to get me up before 10. My poor confused husband.

Now, while I may be awake, I am not necessarily active. Abdominal pain of the every-so-often-according-to-the-calendar variety has been making me bitchy/more sedentary than usual, so I logically ask my still-not-quite-conscious yet naked husband to help me get my purple workout pants from the clean laundry that neither of us could be arsed to put away for the last two days.

The rest of the encounter went as such:

Him (bending over): They’re not in here.
Me: Try the other basket.
Him: Fine…
Me: …he said, rolling his eyes theatrically.
Him: Wasn’t rolling my eyes. Not one bit.
Me: (finally noticing he’s naked and bent over in front of me) Uh huh…
Him: Here. (deposits pants on bed and crosses to bedroom door)
Me: Woot. Naked husband.
Him (standing with hands on hips in superhero pose): Yes.
Me: …Or you could stand there like “Penis Man!”
Him: Yep. Exactly. Not sure I like the logo on the costume…
Me: HEY! I COULD KNIT THAT….
Him: Shut UP, Kella…

/marriageflirtfail

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  1. Ena
    June 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Would the sidekick for Penis Man be SCROTUM LAD? BALLS BOY? MISTER MAN-FRUITS?

    • June 8, 2011 at 7:41 pm

      Vas Deferens Dude?

      • Ena
        June 8, 2011 at 7:54 pm

        I blame my lack of any more witty suggestions on it being 4am.

        DAMN YOU TIME, WHY MUST YOU BE MY ENEMY ):

        • June 8, 2011 at 8:02 pm

          Well, on the bright side, tomorrow remains horribly unmolested… sleep now, rape and pillage later.

        • June 16, 2011 at 4:11 am

          Or others who read your blog being gone for a week….

          Penis Man and Ballser. He could have a dog, instead of a boy.

          Penis Man and Kid Condom?

          Penis Man and 4-Skin?

          Penis Man and Prostate Girl?

          OK, not so good but you did get left hangin’…

  2. THK
    June 10, 2011 at 7:37 am

    It could be worse. You could be like me. I’m like a drunken sailor in the morning, making catcalls at the boyfriend from the bed while he gets dressed after his shower. “Oh, baby! No no, bend over again. Just like that, awwww yeah!”

    Then, in the usual sailor fashion, I invite him to join me on my dingy before my last night in port. Or something like that.

    • June 16, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      And this is me, being fashionably late to my own damned party… Sorry ’bout that. I forgot your comment existed. It’s a side effect of being me.

      For the record, I am encouraged by your tales of drunken sailor activity in the morning. I suppose it’s the sort of interest you’d expect to feel when gawking at a horrifying train derailment. You’re desperately interested to know if there’s any carnage and how widespread the detached limbs were, but hell if you’ll admit it to the other heathens wondering the same damned thing…

    • June 16, 2011 at 12:41 pm

      You’re obviously making up for lost time, Shane. Welcome back!

      I’m sure there’s a truly trashy comic book in the offing here. Think we could get Noa to collaborate? We could totally bomb The Bloggess with copies…

      It’ll be a fitting inaugural blogging circle-jerk.

  3. June 17, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Marriage after 13 years….

    me “Hunny get me my pants”
    him”Get your own Damn pants”
    me” But your right there”
    him “Who do I look like?”
    me “a really horrible dream?”
    him “get your own fucking pants”
    me “oh GOD don’t sit there, your naked!!”
    him “so???”
    me “now i have to wash the blanket… Thanks jackass!!”
    him eyes rolling
    Me “I love youuuuuu….”

    You definitly have things to look forward to!!

  1. June 10, 2011 at 4:02 pm

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