Home > Epic Facepalm, Random Weirdness, Things you'd never let your friends do if you loved them > Dear Japan: Whatever it is we did, we’re very sorry. Can you stop now? Sincerely, The Rest of the Goddamned Planet

Dear Japan: Whatever it is we did, we’re very sorry. Can you stop now? Sincerely, The Rest of the Goddamned Planet

Don’t get me wrong, I love Japan. I love the culture, and their animation styles, the new technology they come out with, and even some of their cute little trends.

That being said, I do feel the need to point out that Japan is full of freaky little fuckers who alternate between inspiring us to invent great things and scaring some of us into bizarre acts of whatthefuckery, just to escape from what we’ve seen.

There's just no excuse for this...
There’s just no excuse for this…

Something some of you may have noticed is my tendency toward making things by hand. (I know, I know, it’s subtle, but I promise you: I am heavy into handmade shit, yo.) So, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I came across a Japanese crafting site the other day. What might come across as a surprise, if you have any capacity for such left in you at this stage in life, is that the site is devoted to handsewn underwear. Made out of handkerchiefs. Which the site owner has lovingly dubbed the “Hanty Panty“…

I shit you not.

There are many reasons this site is horrifyingly hilarious. Granted, the obvious reason would be fact that these strange …creations… seem to make you stare in abject terror. If there had been a pattern for this when I was a child, I’m fairly certain my mother would have tried to make them and then make me wear them. And then I would have murdered many people in the face, out of a strange, displaced sense of indignation and rage.

If the Japanese had dropped these from the planes, instead of bombs (edited because I was too distracted to blog correctly the first time), the forces at Pearl Harbor would have just fucking surrendered. In fact, that’s what I suspect is at work here: Japan, as a nation, is putting out this wacky, Rule #34-type shit as payback for Hiroshima, etc. Sure, they bombed us, we nuked them in the face, but the truly lasting damage here is that they will introduce us — and our children — to truly regrettable crafting trends.

I mean, come on… Liberace’s ghost thinks those things are scary…

It certainly doesn’t help that there’s a language translation issue afoot here. Choice phrases had me pausing and laughing to myself, regularly:

  • “It’s not difficult. But I dared to make it complex.” Because I am a fucker and get an even bigger thrill from telling you that I made a non-difficult task complex. Marvel at my fuckery.
  • “Small but sober.” Important to note, because small underwear is usually drunker than an Irishman at a wake.
  • “Oh! Child has bigger hips than mom’s? This is an elastic magic.” I have nothing to say about this that doesn’t result in some sort of profane explosion of laughter and word salad.
  • “I make lacy and fancy underwear for men.” …I want to cry now. Particularly after I poked around on the site a bit and discovered that he/she/it had originally named this line of men’s intimates “Snake Charmers”. Fucking seriously?

Ok. Here is where I draw the line. As a woman, I wouldn’t allow these nightmarishly garish pieces of fabric to decorate my horribly-mangled corpse. I am fairly certain that, were I ever to present my husband with a pair of these, made myself, he would demand a divorce out of sheer courtesy before shooting me in the face.

Y’all would never find my body.

My hat really goes off to this brave individual, not only for the courage to put these creations online as a how-to manual for the craft-oriented mentally disturbed, but also for coming up with the goddamned things in the first place.

At least I only make small, possibly-demonic-looking dolls based on pop culture icons…

  1. July 5, 2011 at 5:14 am

    Wait. Lacy, fancy underwear for men. OK. First you have to shave him, because lace clings to hair, and men have hair. I know that lace clings to stuff down there and don’t ask me why. Just something I experimented with when I was thirteen or so. So no, no, and no. Anything that slides up and down is bound to have very bad effects and it just feels fucking weird, so don’t give me that.

    LOVE Japanese food. Have no interest whatsoever in Japanese culture otherwise. Except when people blog about it, of course, so I guess I can take it in small doses.

    • July 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

      Lacy elastic underwear hurts anyone who doesn’t shave. Believe me.

      Also, I now know far more about you than I feel comfortable with.

      Do you come installed with an “Undo” button, or is that due out in the next version update? 😛

  2. July 5, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Sorry about that. Feel free to delete at will. I was at work. So drunk of course.

    • July 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

      Nah, it’s ok. I’ll file it away under “Things to drop into comment conversations at comedic intervals” and make sure it’s used later. 😛

  3. July 5, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    No undo button, unfortunately. Working on that.

    • July 5, 2011 at 7:21 pm

      I think just about everyone wants one of those… lol Me, especially.

  4. July 7, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    I actually like Japanese culture for pretty much that exact reason. Whenever I feel like I’m being too weird for the human population, here come the Japanese to MAKE IT ALL BETTER. By being weirder. Yay!

    Admittedly, a lot of their crafts should be filed under “Back away slowly,” but they have lots of beautiful stuff too.

    I also now know more about wagthedad than I bargained for, but I’m cool with it. Anyone who says they haven’t tried on the opposite sex’s panties is a lying sack of shit, and I stand by that statement.

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