Thug Slytherin 4 Life, Boyyyyyy….

After a week (again) of not posting, I decided to force myself to write about something, and forced myself to read the news for something juicy to snark about.


No. Not the Brit-stuck-in-Australia-who-does-hy-fucking-sterical video game reviews, but an expression of “Holy fuck, guys! I found Marshall Mathers’ British clone! …And he’s really creepy.”

Seriously. Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter franchise, for those of you uninitiated by fanatical husbands and even-more-rabidly-fanatical friends) has announced that he’s going to go after a white hip-hop career, a la N-Dubz.

You frighten me, kiddo.

I mean, if you can get around the fact that the kid’s basically been immortalized as the embodiment of all-things-bad-for-Harry-Potter-until…hark!-a-conscience!, then by all means: brave that rhythmical frontier.  He would certainly not be the first HP kid to try to force the world to let him/her grow up.

If, on the other hand, you remember rolling your eyes at Emma Watson’s underage drinking photos, and Daniel Radcliffe’s “Look, fuckers, I’m old enough to sleep with your daughter…or this horse, maybe…” photos, then you already have a basis for mistrust of this new career choice.

Felton has also said that he plans to wigger-fy his image, with backward ball caps (…Uh, Tom? We know you’ve been trying to kill Harry Potter in the face for the last ten years, but the 90’s called: they want their ridiculously-intimidating fashion trend back…), saggy clothes, etc.

Tom Felton

Fo' shizzle, mah wizzle...

I can totally get behind doing something because your heart tells you it’s what you’re meant to do… But please be prepared for the ridicule of fans who, for some reason, were shocked when your testicles dropped between Potter movies.  And while millions of slobbering teenage fangirls may, indeed, consider you a studly fuckmuffin who can do no wrong, rest assured that there are people here (like me) to gloriously revel in your inevitable assfaced baboonery — I mean, no offense… I just don’t like rap.

I am, however, surprisingly okay with evil blonde kids with entitlement issues… as long as they congregate in an area far enough away from my normal routines.  There are certain things in life that you have to claim moral indignation at, before secretly enjoying watching the progress.  This is the foundation upon which our Western hemisphere has been built, people.

So, while I picture Draco Malfoy rapping about the death of Dumbledore and his crazy wand-fondling aunt, Bellatrix — I’m picturing a floating crown and a giant gold clock on a chain of snakes — I’m also seeing the potential for mid-life career revival here.  I mean, eventually his fame (assuming he achieves it in the field of rap and hip-hop, rather than merely infamy) will burn out and he’ll have to do what all washed up artists do in this enlightened, accomplished day and age.


That’s right.

Sign a motherfucking reality show deal, bitches.

Hey, it worked for Bret Michaels and Ralph Macchio…

I can see it now…

Tom Felton’s Wand of Love – The show of one child-actor-cum-rap-artist’s quest to conjure a magical connection between himself and the 15 aspiring Playboy Bunnies that VH1 hired.  I hear that Megan chick from Beauty and the Geek and Rock of Love is available…

So You Think You Can Sing – The new attempt by ABC to give everyday citizens, like you and me, the unbelievable opportunity to publicly skin cats in duet with washed-up/questionably-talented musical artists who really need to eat.  First season lineup includes Vanilla Ice, Lief Garrett, and Gary Glitter (newly-released from Vietnamese prison).

The Surreal Life – Opposite the likes of Billy Ray Cyrus, Andy Dick, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Lark Voorhies, and Soleil Moon Frye, Tom could do well here. Celebrealities are generating a large amount of public interest, still…  I personally look forward to the episode where Billy Ray Cyrus sings about Soleil Moon Frye breaking his achy, breaky heart, followed by Andy Dick snorting an obscene amount of cocaine off of Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ ass before beating Lark Voorhies about the back of her head with his penis as Tom is the designated morally indignant celeb.  I foresee television gold, people.

And all this because he wanted to wear big boy pants for the first time in a decade.

I can’t wait to see how this one turns out.

At some point, I may or may not have altered names and grammar to be more appropriate to one who has been(fuck) at least been taught rudimentary English…

  1. July 11, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Reading this was like doing one of those bar games in Mexico where they pour tequila down your throat, grab your head, and shake it like a mofo to make you properly drunk. You wind up feeling disoriented and abused.

    Which is my elaborate way of saying, I’m gonna have trouble walking or operating heavy machinery until I’m over the image of Tom Felton rapping. *shudders* This may take a while.

    • July 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

      Woman, you amuse me greatly.

      I actually LOL’d.

  2. July 15, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I am the only person on earth who has never read a Harry Potter book. And I didn’t see any of the movies until this winter, and then I only saw the first one.

    But I HATE that guy. I don’t even want to commit his name to memory. Leonardo DiCaprio has been haunting me for years, like the lyrics of some song you hate and just can’t get out of your fucking head.

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