Archive for the ‘Current Events’ Category

Hey Apple: Here’s your sign.

August 24, 2011 Leave a comment

So, today Steve Jobs resigned as CEO of Apple.

This comes two weeks after Apple is announced as the most valuable stock on the NASDAQ.

Stocks have fallen 7% since Jobs made his announcement.  Anyone wanna start betting?

I get that Jobs has survived pancreatic cancer and is going through serious health problems, but perhaps there could have been a better time to announce this than during an economic meltdown?

Just sayin’.


Thug Slytherin 4 Life, Boyyyyyy….

July 11, 2011 3 comments

After a week (again) of not posting, I decided to force myself to write about something, and forced myself to read the news for something juicy to snark about.


No. Not the Brit-stuck-in-Australia-who-does-hy-fucking-sterical video game reviews, but an expression of “Holy fuck, guys! I found Marshall Mathers’ British clone! …And he’s really creepy.”

Seriously. Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy from the Harry Potter franchise, for those of you uninitiated by fanatical husbands and even-more-rabidly-fanatical friends) has announced that he’s going to go after a white hip-hop career, a la N-Dubz.

You frighten me, kiddo.

I mean, if you can get around the fact that the kid’s basically been immortalized as the embodiment of all-things-bad-for-Harry-Potter-until…hark!-a-conscience!, then by all means: brave that rhythmical frontier.  He would certainly not be the first HP kid to try to force the world to let him/her grow up.

If, on the other hand, you remember rolling your eyes at Emma Watson’s underage drinking photos, and Daniel Radcliffe’s “Look, fuckers, I’m old enough to sleep with your daughter…or this horse, maybe…” photos, then you already have a basis for mistrust of this new career choice.

Felton has also said that he plans to wigger-fy his image, with backward ball caps (…Uh, Tom? We know you’ve been trying to kill Harry Potter in the face for the last ten years, but the 90’s called: they want their ridiculously-intimidating fashion trend back…), saggy clothes, etc.

Tom Felton

Fo' shizzle, mah wizzle...

I can totally get behind doing something because your heart tells you it’s what you’re meant to do… But please be prepared for the ridicule of fans who, for some reason, were shocked when your testicles dropped between Potter movies.  And while millions of slobbering teenage fangirls may, indeed, consider you a studly fuckmuffin who can do no wrong, rest assured that there are people here (like me) to gloriously revel in your inevitable assfaced baboonery — I mean, no offense… I just don’t like rap.

I am, however, surprisingly okay with evil blonde kids with entitlement issues… as long as they congregate in an area far enough away from my normal routines.  There are certain things in life that you have to claim moral indignation at, before secretly enjoying watching the progress.  This is the foundation upon which our Western hemisphere has been built, people.

So, while I picture Draco Malfoy rapping about the death of Dumbledore and his crazy wand-fondling aunt, Bellatrix — I’m picturing a floating crown and a giant gold clock on a chain of snakes — I’m also seeing the potential for mid-life career revival here.  I mean, eventually his fame (assuming he achieves it in the field of rap and hip-hop, rather than merely infamy) will burn out and he’ll have to do what all washed up artists do in this enlightened, accomplished day and age.


That’s right.

Sign a motherfucking reality show deal, bitches.

Hey, it worked for Bret Michaels and Ralph Macchio…

I can see it now…

Tom Felton’s Wand of Love – The show of one child-actor-cum-rap-artist’s quest to conjure a magical connection between himself and the 15 aspiring Playboy Bunnies that VH1 hired.  I hear that Megan chick from Beauty and the Geek and Rock of Love is available…

So You Think You Can Sing – The new attempt by ABC to give everyday citizens, like you and me, the unbelievable opportunity to publicly skin cats in duet with washed-up/questionably-talented musical artists who really need to eat.  First season lineup includes Vanilla Ice, Lief Garrett, and Gary Glitter (newly-released from Vietnamese prison).

The Surreal Life – Opposite the likes of Billy Ray Cyrus, Andy Dick, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Lark Voorhies, and Soleil Moon Frye, Tom could do well here. Celebrealities are generating a large amount of public interest, still…  I personally look forward to the episode where Billy Ray Cyrus sings about Soleil Moon Frye breaking his achy, breaky heart, followed by Andy Dick snorting an obscene amount of cocaine off of Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ ass before beating Lark Voorhies about the back of her head with his penis as Tom is the designated morally indignant celeb.  I foresee television gold, people.

And all this because he wanted to wear big boy pants for the first time in a decade.

I can’t wait to see how this one turns out.

At some point, I may or may not have altered names and grammar to be more appropriate to one who has been(fuck) at least been taught rudimentary English…

I sense a disturbance in the educational force…

September 14, 2010 2 comments

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

For those of you who may not be aware, that grammatically-raped statement came from the mouth of Former President George W. Bush.  I was horrified when he was elected the first time, but after his re-election I mentally expatriated for four years.  The leader of the “free world” needs to be a shining example of that world, showing to everyone that he or she embodies the best the country has to offer.  Sadly, he did showcase what America had to offer… it just wasn’t the best or the brightest.

But, I digress…

I knew that public schools were in trouble before Bush Jr. was elected, while I was still attending high school in Southern California.  Luckily, I graduated the year before they instituted the exit exam program, which required every student to answer questions about everything they were expected to have learned before graduation.  Since most of my classmates considered themselves fortunate enough to get through English class with a “C”, my expectations for the Class of 2001’s contributions to the world were fairly low.  I waited a few years before deciding to attend University of Phoenix‘s classes online, hoping to get my degree in teaching.

My online classmates will never be allowed to teach my children.

It’s not that I’m saying these people don’t have the intelligence to become teachers.  I’m saying they’re too damned lazy to speak or type the English language properly and should therefore never be allowed in front of a class full of minds ready for molding.  I’m sorry, people, but if your idea of a correct sentence as part of a response in college is: I speaked to her and tryed to explane my ways of thinking things before she told me that I was rong and an I wouldn’t never get her ways of thinkin things so we called the talk quits and that was that so I can’t finish my asinemant…  /headdesk

I shit you not. I had to peer review that specific sentence last year.

I have a hard enough time accepting that these individuals are allowed to continue onto college courses, let alone into courses designed to prepare one for becoming a teacher in a public school.  Not only were they allowed into classes above remedial level, they were also granted access to a second year.  I’d be angry at UoP for letting their standards sink so low if not for the fact that I’ve met “college graduates” in person in Southern California that would barely qualify in an elementary school spelling bee… as adults.  It’s apparent that the lowering of standards is a national problem.

Forget No Child Left Behind… they’ve already been left, forgotten, and are being ignored in favor of a “fresh start” in statistics.  Kids are being pushed through school based on test scores, and with teachers encouraged to “teach to test” (basically, only teaching the answers to the questions on the tests as they are presented), more and more kids are being shuffled out of public schools with little to no reading and writing skills, no knowledge of world events prior to the Backstreet Boys’ breakout album, and the belief that pi is made with apples, blueberries, or cherries.

I don’t agree with everything this article says, but this article in The Freeman, in 1993, best expresses a lot of my thoughts on public education in America. Yes, the article is 17 years old, but not a whole lot has changed. Test scores improving doesn’t mean our children are learning, Mr. Bush… it simply means that the carrot-stick approach has taught the teachers that they’ll keep their jobs if their students can learn how to pass a test. Retention isn’t really a factor.

Unfortunately, in a country that has spent decades looking for the easy fix to all its problems, we’re so deep in the hole when it comes to everything that matters that I don’t see how we could dig ourselves out of this one.  This country has become obsessed with looking good on paper and not actually having the goods to back it up. That accounts for the financial situation we’re in, the celebutantes that aren’t even worth the fifteen minutes most of them are getting, and our educational system.

It also explains how that man got into office.

Categories: Current Events, School

Starz! picks up BBC’s Torchwood for an international 4th season

July 18, 2010 Leave a comment

Okay, so this is admittedly not breaking news.  Rumors of the American premium television channel snatching up the opportunity to capitalize on a BBC success were confirmed a while ago. I’d like to be 100% enthusiastic about this, being an avid fan of most things BBC-related (such as Doctor Who, Life on Mars/Ashes to Ashes, Merlin, The IT Crowd, Coupling, etc.) because of my husband, but I’m having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of a successful transition of the show from U.K. television to the U.S. market.  There’s a reason the U.S. remake of Life on Mars didn’t make it in the U.S. ratings department… well, at least two reasons.  A.) British and American humor are two completely different concepts most of the time, and B.) Whenever American networks try to recreate British successes on U.S. terms, they invariably fuck it up.  If you don’t believe me, watch the clip below.

See what I mean?

Now, I tried to be fair to Life on Mars’ American cousin and watched the entire abbreviated season faithfully.  It was truly painful for at least 90% of the experience.  The few times that there were genuinely funny moments were completely overshadowed, in retrospect, by the forced dialogue (British humor doesn’t translate well, see above) and occasionally outright rewrites of plot to suit American themes.  I can see small tweaks, but taking a British television series that’s designed to be ended by the end of season two with an open plot, leaving the viewers with an enigma until the end of the spin-off series (Ashes to Ashes), and completely rewriting it so that they’re all neat and tidy in cryogenic sleep pods in a spaceship on a mission to Mars, and the whole show was nothing but a computer-related glitch in their “dream programs”… I’m sorry, I almost flew out to Hollywood to shove a box of nails up the head writer’s ass.

Sorry. I get testy when my favorite international shows are threatened.

Which brings me back to my original concern: Starz! picking up Torchwood.

For those of you who don’t know what Torchwood is… what kind of geek are you?!  That’s okay, keep reading this blog and you’ll catch on quickly.

Torchwood is a spin-off show of Doctor Who, a huge phenomenon in both the U.K. and the U.S. — since SyFy (Please don’t get me started on the ridiculous name-change…) picked up the syndication rights within the last couple of years.  It follows the exploits of a time-traveling, age-defying extra-terrestrial, Captain Jack Harkness, who fights fellow aliens on behalf of the planet Earth.  More specifically, Cardiff.  We’re not sure why Cardiff… but the location is a running gag in both shows.  From what I understand, through conversations with my British husband, setting Torchwood in Cardiff is akin to having a Law & Order: Tulsa.  Sure, it can be done… but… why?

Anyway, Captain Jack (“Captain” is an affectation/holdover from an assumed identity he’s had for over 100 years or so, since World War II… Yeah. It’s a time-travel thing.), and his merry band of sexual deviants forensic xeno-specialists, track down threats that are alien in nature and destroy/send them packing back to the dark, horrible, rawrkillsmash cesspool from whence they slithered.  Along the way, they shag the hell out of everything that moves… and some things that don’t.  It’s very LGBT-friendly, and very steamy.  The British idea of “too hot for television” is a bit beyond what we Americans, as a whole, consider to be “taboo”.  This often presents a problem for networks that try to import from the other side of the pond, as they usually end up hacking the show into so many bits that barely any of it is left to be recognizable.

I suppose that Torchwood being passed up by Fox Networks and getting nabbed by Starz! is a very good thing, in this regard, as being a premium channel has its advantages.  There’s a lot more graphic sexuality, involved genders notwithstanding, allowed on those kinds of stations.  (Tudors, anyone?)  So, Captain Jack’s omnisexual nature should remain unchanged; good news for die-hard fans, bad news for poodles everywhere.  My misgivings primarily center on the poor writing and acting that has been the norm for shows brought from the BBC to the United States.  I’m not looking forward to watered-down content because focus groups in America think an ordinary theme or joke, that would have been appropriate on the show in its solely-BBC heyday, is too racy or controversial for this country’s inconsistent sense of values.

Torchwood is meant to be racy.  It’s meant to be hot, violent, foul-mouthed, controversial, accepting of all cultures/creeds/sexualities, and it’s definitely meant to have cutting-edge writing and acting that leaves the viewer on the edge of their couch, wondering what envelope the show is going to push next.

All I can hope for is that, come 2011, Russell T. Davies and his crew have ensured that the show’s quality of life remains exactly as such… or that they pull the plug before it deteriorates past the point of fans’ fond remembrance.

Categories: Current Events, Television
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