Archive for the ‘Spousal Whatthefuckery’ Category

Yeah. That just happened…

April 26, 2012 2 comments

Today I picked up the husband from work, with our 3-year-old in her toddler seat, and started driving us toward the pharmacy on the way back home.  Our daughter picked an argument with me (I can’t remember what it was about, to be honest, as it’s not the first we’ve had today, and probably won’t be the last…) and after some whining and general verbal flailing about, the conversation continued as follows:

Me:  Sorry, kiddo. Mommy wins.

Husband: Yeah, honey, mommy always wins.

Me: Yep. It’s a fact of life. Learn to accept the loss…

Husband: Seriously not a concept I think she’s aware of.

Daughter: …Lose? (puzzled look)

Husband: See???

Me: You lose.

Husband: …Fa…tality?…

Me: Yeah, I’m Mommy!Shredder.

Husband: …

Me: …?

Husband: I think you’re aiming for Sub-Zero or something…It’s a Mortal Kombat reference, dear.

Me: I know…Shredder, Sub-Zero, whatever…

Husband: You can’t combine Mortal Kombat with Teenage Goddamned Mutant Fucking Ninja Turtles, dammit. Quit cross-pollinating your fucking geek.

Me: *cries tears of broken nerd shame/hysterical laughter and tries not to wreck the minivan on the frontage road…*


Why I shouldn’t be allowed to flirt: Marriage, Year 4

June 8, 2011 10 comments

As with the last couple of mornings, after having gone to bed at the relatively early time of midnight, I rocketed out of bed at 8 o’clock and jumped into the shower today. Usually it takes a team of highly-trained behavioral- and speech-therapists to get me up before 10. My poor confused husband.

Now, while I may be awake, I am not necessarily active. Abdominal pain of the every-so-often-according-to-the-calendar variety has been making me bitchy/more sedentary than usual, so I logically ask my still-not-quite-conscious yet naked husband to help me get my purple workout pants from the clean laundry that neither of us could be arsed to put away for the last two days.

The rest of the encounter went as such:

Him (bending over): They’re not in here.
Me: Try the other basket.
Him: Fine…
Me: …he said, rolling his eyes theatrically.
Him: Wasn’t rolling my eyes. Not one bit.
Me: (finally noticing he’s naked and bent over in front of me) Uh huh…
Him: Here. (deposits pants on bed and crosses to bedroom door)
Me: Woot. Naked husband.
Him (standing with hands on hips in superhero pose): Yes.
Me: …Or you could stand there like “Penis Man!”
Him: Yep. Exactly. Not sure I like the logo on the costume…
Him: Shut UP, Kella…


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