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Viva la Revolution! :: Death By Movies : We Do It So You Don’t Have To

September 5, 2012 Leave a comment

Death by Television — Life on Mars: Some Things are Just Better in Britain | Death By Movies

August 24, 2012 Leave a comment

Look! My first official post over at Death by Movies!

Go check it out and show us some love!

 

Death by Television — Life on Mars: Some Things are Just Better in Britain | Death By Movies.

Post-production Herp-Derp: Caption contest

April 14, 2012 Leave a comment

I’m not one of those people that loves something just because it’s yet another product by someone whom they already love because of previous products/achievements.  I like things on an individual basis; songs, movies, television, books, etc.  Just because my favorite book was written by Peter David doesn’t mean that Mr. David has an all-access pass to my loyalty and affection from that point onward. Keep striving, don’t get lazy, and if it’s good I will love you again.  This is why services like Hulu and iTunes work so well for me, because it allows me to pick and choose from what rises to the top, rather than buy CDs with songs I love mixed in with songs I might loathe… But I digress.

I love Fringe.

That being said, I have a strong sense of “THAT DOESN’T GEL, YOU ASSHAT” when it comes to how things look on screen… Mister Abrams: I applaud your team’s initiative in loosening the hiring requirements in production, but as someone who graduated 8th grade geography in Oklahoma… please consider an educational pub quiz after work from time to time?

Exhibit A:

Apparently the extra "t" was taken in a compromise with the 99%...

In alternate universes, double consonants are punishable by amber...

Now, see, I’ve started you all off; your turn to caption this!

Disney: Silly Symphonies is code for “Just add marijuana”

August 22, 2011 Leave a comment

I recently began a quest to introduce my daughter to all the Disney movies my brother and I grew up with, as well as watch the newer ones with her. I think she’s enjoying it, although the live-action ones confuse her… when she’s actually paying attention. (Okay, so Babes in Toyland and Pete’s Dragon were for Mommy, dammit. Don’t judge me…)

When I was watching Robin Hood with her the other day, the first time I’d seen it since my brother and I watched the VHS into dust as kids, it occurred to me that Disney pulled a lot of whatthefuckery over on our generation. I mean, serious shit that kids today would say, “Bitch, you fo’ real?” Only, they probably wouldn’t say that, because that’s a phrase that probably wasn’t even cool in my generation, but was said anyway. Insert whatever catchy thing them kids today are saying, then.

Anyway, I started thinking about Robin Hood, an offering from Disney that practically demanded a full suspension of your disbelief before continuing, and all the other movies my brother and I gleefully zombied out to over the years. I present to you a list of the important realizations I have come to after re-watching these gems from my childhood…

  • Anthropomorphised rhinos and elephants in 1150 A.D. England are completely normal, but I draw the line at accents not indigenous to the region. ~ I can buy Alan-a-Dale as a rooster with a lute. I can buy the thumb-sucking lion as Prince John and the snake with his head in a balloon as the prince’s right hand. However, I have trouble believing that there were flights between Sherwood Forest and the Bronx in the 12th century for Little John and Friar Tuck to rough it up with some imported Arkansas-accented, pot-bellied wolf sherrif and a Scottish hen with a passion for rugby.
  • Bad guys before the 1970’s had a union that strictly mandated the wearing of capes and dark colors. ~ The ability to pull off a fabulously choreographed song and dance number netted you choice pickings from the henchmen pool at the monthly meeting/goon restock.
  • It’s okay to be racist if you use animals, because then it’s clever. ~ Dumbo’s trash-talking Jim Crows certainly wouldn’t fly in a post-Brown v. Board of Education society. Also, Oriental
  • Cross-dressing a bear is an important part of any highway robbery. ~ Extra points if you include fruit and make at least one Gloria Steinem-provoking comment about women being incapable of ganking someone blind.
  • Mentally disabled rodents make excellent sidekicks. ~ It’s also important to choose bright colors when dressing them, especially if you have an overweight cat with the personality of a paroled serial killer lurking about.
  • Siamese cats are always evil. ~ They also love to eat babies. Humans are too stupid to realize this, most of the time, and often allow both to reside under the same roof. Luckily, there are cocker spaniels to act as a “Bitch, dem cats ’bout to eat yo’ kid!” alarm.
  • Fat people, prior to the 1980’s, are contractually obligated to adhere to the following stereotypes: Chaotic-good or chaotic-evil. ~ If chaotic-good, they are a bumbling, well-meaning idiot who bounces comically against walls. If chaotic-evil, they’re evil-meaning idiots who move too slowly to catch someone poking them in the butt with a sword. Cinderella’s fairy godmother was a possible exception, but damn did she seem daffy…
  • Robin Williams signed a pact with the devil to prevent him from dying of a cocaine overdose, and Disney signed a pact to get him an unlimited supply. ~ Watching Aladdin and Flubber for the first time since I was 12 and 14, respectively, I now realize just how amped up Williams must have been. Flubber also illustrated the transition Wil Wheaton made from whiny/entitled-teenage-know-it-all-prick to asshole-who’s-so-assholish-it’s-epically-cool, leaving Wesley Crusher (whom I adored, don’t get me wrong) and the doomed-to-die kid in Toy Soldiers behind to perpetually play the rude, calculating braniac who knows he’s so goddamned better than you, you almost feel dirty cheering for him.
  • All small robots have a severe addiction to soap operas and Rogers & Hammerstein musicals. ~ If the AI is female, they’re also 100% likely to fall in love with the hopeless, bumbling sap who created them and will stop at nothing to undermine his romantic plans until eventually found out. After years of this pattern, you’d think said bumbling sap would clue in and at least make their lusty fembots anatomically correct. If, on the other hand, the small robot is male, they are automatically programmed with Woody Allen’s personality. This makes it more difficult for them to procreate with fembots and make scary, Glenn Close-channeling, soap opera-addicted spawnbots.

Anyone else come to some amusing conclusions, after comparing the impressions you had of Disney movies as a kid to the impressions you have now?

If I love you, I will shrink you into yarny miniatures of yourself…

June 21, 2011 3 comments

So, I bet you’re wondering where I’ve been for the last week. (Or maybe you’re blissfully oblivious to my comings and goings in general, and that’s okay, too…) Between school, parenting, and crocheting minis and knitting socks, I’ve been a bit overwhelmed. Also, today is finals week for this class block.

Translation? Kella is an unhappy geek.

But, here’s some shinies that I finished in the last couple of days that should be distracting enough…

Morgan Grimes, from "Chuck" on NBC

Sarah Walker, in her Wienerlicious uniform, from NBC's "Chuck"

John Casey, from "Chuck" on NBC

I’ve started “Jeffster” as of today. Then the Awesomes, then Chuck. Chuck, himself, is gonna be hard for me because I wanna get it just right…

After this, I plan to go after “Leverage”. I apologize in advance to anyone associated with that show who is offended by the idea of the cast being immortalized in yarn.

I blame my husband.

June 14, 2011 6 comments

My husband sent me this on Facebook this morning.

I don’t know why it speaks so clearly to my inner “Bitch I’m going to slap the yellow off your teeth” self today, but there you have it.

…And I can’t stop watching it…

I can totally see my daughter conquering nations with that talent…

May 19, 2011 Leave a comment

Earlier tonight, I was making dinner in the kitchen — I know, suspend your disbelief and hold off on calling the fire department — and left Nick Jr. on television for Siobhan to watch. My husband and I have been fans of Sprout (previously PBS Kids) for the last year or so, and only recently changed to Nick Jr. (previously Noggin) because of their lack of commercials and more structured preschool-level programming. Siobhan’s current favorites from that channel include Olivia, Dora, Diego, Kai Lan, and Yo Gabba Gabba!

Yo Gabba Gabba! is both an awesomely retro children's show and a visually-stimulating timesink for potheads.

Now, I often worry about letting my daughter watch so much television, then I weigh my concerns against the feedback I get from other adults in official child-monitoring capacities: “Your daughter is so smart!” “Wow, she’s really articulate for a 25-month-old!” “She already knows her colors and shapes? Bravo, Mom!” So I basically tell myself that as long as it’s Nick Jr. she’s at least getting somewhat of an education…

Going back to me making this dubious dinner in another room from my child, I hear Yo Gabba Gabba! in the background, calling out “Cool Tricks! Cool Tricks!” (which is the show’s segment that teaches children about new musical instruments or styles of acrobatics and/or dance) so I figure it’s probably the rapping violinist twins or something. Instead, I’m treated to the dulcet tones of some fucker hand-farting “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

Seriously?

Twenty years ago, my brother got smacked upside the back of his head for hand-farting in public, and we got annoyed looks from adults for making that rude noise. Now it’s a “cool trick” on a preschool-type channel?

Thanks, Yo Gabba Gabba! Next time, why don’t you teach my daughter how to push the tip of her nose up whilst pulling down her lower eyelids, so she can look like an old-style pig mask? Better yet, if you could teach her how to burp the Star Spangled fucking Banner, she’ll have a marketable job skill. They’re sure to need new performers of questionable talent to showcase at sporting events, and I want my daughter to aim for sheer mediocrity.

For this, I give you the Picard Gesture of Incredulity:

Picard finds your lack of common sense disturbing...

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