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Archive for the ‘Useless shit to commemorate something or other…’ Category

Demand to speak to life’s manager!

October 13, 2011 3 comments

As you may or may not have realized by now, I am a creature of craft-centric impulses. I am also a compulsive video game nut. This works well for my husband, who works for a video game company. He usually avoids my yarn-related projects, unless they’re of a geeky bent… then he adopts them and pimps them out.

He is currently fiercely protecting this Portal 2-inspired little guy:

It's just a lemon...

And if you want to know who’s to blame for the combustible yarn-lemons:

 

That’s right people.  That’s all it takes for me to shiny object.

I have plans for this flammable citrus.  I’m going to install a zipper with a lit fuse fob on the end.  Then, I’m going to try to rig it so that the flames accordion up and out of the lemon while you’re unzipping it.  Then I’m going to find a way to swap them for the lemons in Valve’s cafeteria.  Assuming they have lemons.  Oh well.  Who are they to argue with free, questionable, fake lemons?

You can see I’ve put far too much thought into this…

Next, a portato gun!

 

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Why socializing with other bloggers is dangerous…

June 29, 2011 8 comments

I’ve started following some fabulous people since I became more active on my blog, back in April. I’ve gotten hooked on The Bloggess, Noa Gavin, and Wag the Dad, to name the first three (since I don’t have the strength of fingers, lately, to type out all the blogs that keep me giggling when I need it)… The aforementioned three are all fantastically random/psychotic, and therefore awesome pen pals when we have the occasion to correspond.

I tend to harass Noa on Twitter. She seems to be okay with this.

For example, yesterday I Tweeted her the following:

@OhNoaG This is why I’m having concerns about choosing to become a teacher… http://scr.bi/kQp65a #IPrayForAndrogynousChildren

Which, in turn, started this:

Noa: @KellaKnits AHAHAHAHHA. Yes. Infinite loops. That was amazing.
Me: @OhNoaG They failed to mention that it would create a vaginal causality loop, where the Enterprise would explode before starting over again.
Noa: @KellaKnits The repeated loops would cause a cervical black hole, unfortunately.
Me: @OhNoaG Which would suck up any male genitalia, and some buicks, in the vicinity. Like vagina dentata for the Trekkie set.
Noa: @KellaKnits AHAHAHA. Nice.

Of course, this has kept me laughing for the last. 24. hours.

You know what comes next, don’t you?

That’s right, bitch. Merchandising.

Noa didn’t bring this up, but I think there’s capital to be made here… After trying for hours, however, to find a way to make a pair of ladies underwear with that logo on it, I finally said screw it and made a shirt.

Happy belated birthday, Noa.

Hey, your foot doesn’t belong in there!

May 23, 2011 5 comments

Hey, look at me, using another title from my List of Insanity

Cautionary Note: This post is best appreciated if you keep in mind the three things (in no particular order) that we discovered over the course of the weekend:

  • Kalynn is a cheap alcoholic.
  • Kalynn apparently channels Jewish people.
  • Kalynn’s vagina is not a timeshare.

So, this weekend was pretty crazy. I fell behind in my schoolwork, again, which is primarily due to burnout factor. I can’t wait to get my associate’s degree finished already. Another thing that happened this weekend was a friend of mine and my husband’s, who moved to back California from the same town in New Mexico after we did, brought a guy-friend with her to stay on our living room floor. I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no; I haven’t started a hostel-experience bed-and-breakfast in my apartment. (Although, if finances remain this bleak for much longer… let me get back to you.) My friend, Kalynn, had a brother getting married near where we lived, so she took us up on our standing “open-door-invitation” policy.

Siobhan, of course, thought this was the best. thing. ever.  Even though she didn’t get to see them until Day 3.

After the wedding on Saturday, Kalynn and friend came back to our place, armed with magnums of cheap champagne.  (They convinced me to take sips, and I can state — for the record — that I am a rum girl, not a wino.  Yuck.)  The magnums were gone long before anyone went to bed, and Husband and I weren’t drinking them.

My two-year-old spent all of Sunday morning bouncing up and down off of Kalynn’s elevated air mattress, smacking her guy friend around and performing flying nutchecks with wild abandon.  (On the plus side, at least no impregnation will occur in the near future…)  And all of the adults were laughing so hard our abdomens hurt.

I have video that I am not posting because, well, I fail at finding a light source for my camerawomanship (Yes. That’s a word now. Deal with it.) and so the first three or four minutes of hilarity are ensconced in eye-straining darkness and shaky movements.  Then, half the time that the shot is actually lit, I have it pointed at someone’s unmoving foot or ass because, as we all know, Kella + back medication = fundamentally IQ-deficient².

Anyway…

One of the problems with the “bouncy castlebeing in the living room was that it was up against our cheap little computer carts. (My husband and I don’t have the money for a couch yet, so our living room is two computer carts pushed up against the back of one another, my daughter’s college dorm-style chair against those, and an armoire holding all of our television/video game entertainment.)  To keep Siobhan from hitting her head on the corners of these carts, I would gently nudge her back into play.  Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account just how bouncy Kalynn/her air mattress are…

Serves Kalynn right for lounging there under the blanket with her legs apart.

Order of events:

  1. Siobhan bounces on corner of air mattress and angles her head toward a corner.
  2. Mommy sees and “deflects”, pushing child back onto mattress… somewhat slightly harder than intended.
  3. Child winds up face-first between Kalynn’s open legs.  On top of blanket, thankfully.
  4. Amid the jokes about Siobhan “trying to go home”, etc., the husband and Kalynn somehow come to the conclusion that, despite public opinion, Kalynn’s vagina is not (in fact) a timeshare property.

When deflating the air mattress, Kalynn was bemoaning how she couldn’t get it completely flat and repackaged as if new.  With a feeling of dread, I asked her to elaborate.  I was told that she, and her mother, had both purchased these large, self-inflating air mattresses of awesome from a Big Box Mart nearby.  They’d even had them overnight drop-shipped to their house for an extra 20 bucks or so.

Why?

Because they planned to return them today and Big Box Mart apparently refunds the entire purchase price, including expensive shipping.

Oh. It gets better: She also told me that, when something they just bought breaks, they buy an identical item and return the broken item to the store in the new item’s box for a full refund.

… I love my cheap-ass friends.  After all, without them, my blog would be so much less interesting!

Kalynn, for your hard work and effort in the field of what-the-fuckery, I would like to give you this badge:

For pioneering the field so the rest of us don't have to...

Please accept this care package from WTF, Inc…

May 21, 2011 3 comments

I couldn’t find Roy. Apparently, his pieces were called Home for Final Assembly.

(I’ll find him later, I’m sure, having a good, long, sacrilegious laugh at my expense.)

In other news, I’m sorry to say that my good deeds and sunny disposition have done nothing to redeem my soul. I’m stuck on this rock with the rest of you sinful fuckers.

Here. Have a shirt.

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